‘And Miryam [Miriam] and Aharon [Aaron] spoke about Moshe [Moses] concerning the Cushi woman he had taken, for he had taken a Cushi woman. And they said, ‘Has HaShem [G-d] only spoken through Moshe? Hasn’t He also spoken through us?”
– Bamidbar (Numbers) 12:1-2

Miryam was punished for talking about Moshe Rabbeinu [our Rabbi], even though he didn’t mind. 

1. From here we must understand the severity of speaking negatively about a talmid chacham [a wise student of the Sages], and even about any individual from Yisrael. Many times people also stumble through ona’as devarim [verbal abuse].

It must be clarified that the prohibition of ona’as devarim is not only about not shaming or humiliating one’s fellow, but also not causing them pain in any form. As the Tur wrote about the prohibitions, ‘Do not cause pain to others ‘in any matter’ and do not embarrass them.’

Indeed, even through hinting, it is forbidden to cause pain, for it is always prohibited to hurt a Jewish person, whether young or old (Mekashim De’os, 6:10).

Similarly, the Gemara [Talmud] in Berachos (51a) teaches that our blessings should be recited in the presence of the Reish Galusa [head of the exile community], and the requirement is for three people. Why not ten? So as not to offend the Reish Galusa, since a zimun [public invitation to bless] of ten stirs more attention and emotion.

The Rashba [Rabbi Shlomo ben Aderet] wrote that this is because there is offense caused to another’s honor, and the dignity of people overrides a rabbinic mitzvah (Berachos 9b).

They asked the Chazon Ish [Rabbi Avraham Yeshaya Karelitz], ‘What is the greatest success a person can attain?’ He answered, ‘To go through life without harming another person.’

2. On the wide-ranging consequences of harm.

Caution against ona’as devarim must be especially great—beyond the fact that it is a prohibition and causes multiplied pain to the victim, whose soul is dearer than his money. It is also because many times it causes long-term damage to the person harmed and to his family. Sometimes a single hurtful remark can cause vast harm for generations.

Let us imagine someone causes pain to a young yeshiva student. Whether the criticism was justified or not, the boy is hurt, and along with that his self-image is wounded. From that point forward, his enthusiasm for learning is dimmed. Consequently, he neglects halachah [Jewish law], spiritual growth, and meaningful observance. Years later he builds a home with a woman who matches his current spiritual level. That home, too, is built on fragile foundations, and the children grow up with lower spiritual standards. This continues and multiplies across generations, all because of one careless comment. Who will take responsibility for such a consequence? Is he not liable in the judgment of Shamayim [Heaven]?

On the other hand, imagine that same boy, though he misbehaved, was met with an ayin tovah [generous eye] and received words of encouragement and validation. That encounter redirected him, and he rose in Torah study. Eventually he built a faithful Jewish home grounded in Torah. Who can measure the reward of the one who lifted him?

We are familiar with many examples of this. A wise person looks ahead: ‘Who is wise? One who sees what is born [i.e., foresees consequence].’ And who is greater than the shevatim [tribes] of HaShem? Consider what was said about Reuven [Reuben] who “interfered with his father’s bed”—yet anyone who says Reuven sinned is mistaken (Shabbos 55b). He actually acted for the sake of a mitzvah, advocating for the honor of his mother. He repented through fasting and sackcloth (Rashi on Bereishis / Genesis 49:4), confessed his actions (Rashi on Devarim / Deuteronomy 33:7), and Ya’akov [Jacob] did not rebuke him.

Years over years Yaakov kept the matter in his heart and did not rebuke him—until near his death, when he finally did. He said to Reuven, ‘My son, I will now tell you why I did not rebuke you all these years: so that you would not stray and attach yourself to Eisav [Esau] my brother’ (Sifrei, Devarim 2).

These words are frightening! Reuven, who had been worthy to receive the birthright, the priesthood, and the kingship together (Rashi on Bereishit 49:3) could have been driven to abandon the house of Yitzchak [Isaac] his grandfather, and his father Ya’akov, and his holy brothers to join the wickedness of Eisav?

Let us reflect how complete Reuven was, and how he repented on his own, dwelling in sackcloth and fasting, and yet Yaakov feared to rebuke him? Our Sages said, ‘Rebuke that includes rejection may push a person away. And who knows what the result will be?’

If the holy forefathers were so cautious even when rebuking for the sake of Heaven, how much more must we be careful not to criticize or hurt others over matters of this world.

3. Indeed, caution about future consequences must be a foundation stone in the building of a person.

The Gemara in Shabbos (145b) tells that Rabbi Chiya and Rabbi Assi were sitting before Rabbi Yochanan. The students were discussing certain topics. While Rabbi Yochanan dozed off, he overheard their words and disagreed. When he awoke, he said, ‘Did I not tell you? Say to wisdom, you are my sister’ (Mishlei / Proverbs 7:4)—meaning, if something is as clear to you as your sister (who is forbidden to you), then say it; if not, do not say it.’

They asked him, ‘Which of the things we said was incorrect?’

He answered, ‘You asked why the birds of Bavel [Babylonia] are fat. You replied that there are fatter birds elsewhere, but this is incorrect. Rather, the reason is that the birds of Bavel were not exiled, unlike the birds of Eretz Yisrael [Land of Israel] who were exiled, as it says, ‘The noise of Moav [Moab] is heard… joy and gladness are removed’ (Yirmiyahu / Jeremiah 48:36).’

That is, the birds of Eretz Yisrael who experienced exile lost their vigor, and this affected even the later generations, weakening their quality. But the birds of Bavel, who were not exiled, retained their strength. So too we learn from the Ramban [Rabbi Moshe ben Nachman], who wrote (Devarim 16:7), ‘He hated six, and the seventh is My sanctified branch, He cut it down.’

4. Often, in addition to the prohibition of ona’as devarim, lashon hara is also involved, which is weighed against the three most severe sins. The destruction of the Beis HaMikdash [the Holy Temple] was caused by this very illness. As our Sages said (Yoma 9b), ‘The Second Temple, which was occupied with Torah, avodah [Temple service], and gemilus chasadim [acts of kindness]—why was it destroyed? Because of sinas chinam [baseless hatred].

The Chafetz Chaim [Rabbi Yisrael Meir Kagan] explained in the introduction to his book that this refers to lashon hara and rechilus [gossip].

5. The Gemara (Chullin 89a) says, ‘Rabbi Yitzchak said, what is meant by the verse, ‘Indeed, in silence is righteousness spoken—do you judge uprightly, O sons of man?’ (Tehillim / Psalms 58:2). What is a person’s craft in this world? To make himself as one who is mute.’ The Chafetz Chaim asked, ‘Why is this called emunah [faith]?’ He explained, ‘It is known that any skill a person wants to develop takes time and practice. It is not the same for someone who tries to build a table with no carpentry experience as it is for someone with training—experience makes the work easier.

So it is with the trait of silence: One who understands the great value of silence — ‘I found nothing better for the body than silence’ — can be saved from many prohibitions by sealing his lips. But one who is not accustomed to restraining his speech, and says whatever comes to mind, will find it ten times harder to hold back in a moment of challenge.

But one who trains himself in the trait of silence, and internalizes its greatness by studying the words of our Sages about its value, such a person will acquire it in his soul, and in a moment of challenge, will succeed in restraining himself. And one who comes to purify himself is assisted.